There are a solid seven questions every Italian is asked when a stranger first discovers they are in fact Italian. Typically not in any order, but these seven questions are questions I have been asked at least once in my life. These seven questions are the seven that get extremely old and cause the same internal response.
1. Is your family a part of the mob?
Why, just why is this a question when people discover my ethnic background is Italian?
When people ask this I get genuinely concerned about my generations intelligence. I live in the suburbs of Spencerport and you think my dad is a mobster? My father is the most non-confrontational person I have ever met and the thought of him being a Mob King literally makes me roll over laughing. I mean this man feels bad killing deer that are too young.
This is 21st century America people, get a grip.
2. You must be a good cook.
No actually I suck.
I can make all of three meals by the skin of my teeth. Tacos, vodak sauce, salmon, and nothing more. I can’t even cook rice. It somehow always ends up burnt and sticking to the bottom of the pan. I tried to cook cutlets one day and the pork was so rubbery even my dog wouldn’t eat it. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t cook and my future family is going to live off of microwaveable rice and any cutlets my mom decides to cook for us.
3. Why do you always have to go to your Nonni’s on Sundays?
Because that’s just how it is.
Sundays in my family are equivalent to the tradition of prayer in a religious family. Sundays are an Italian's version of St. Patrick's Day, but on a weekly basis. You don’t miss or skip a Sunday for the sake of skipping a Sunday. You’re not there, you better have a pretty damn good explantation. You have the flu? As far as Nonni’s concerned you can be sick and throw up at her house and hopefully scarf down some pasta in between the copious amounts of fluids you have to consume.
4. Do you go to Italy all the time?
HA. HA. HA.
Yeah, let me just drop $4,000 on a yearly basis to travel to Italy every summer. Scratch that. Let my parents drop $20,000 a year that way our family of five can travel to Italy for a quick family vacation.
No, I do not go to Italy to vacation, nor have I ever been to Italy. I would love to go and so would my parents, but growing up they saved money for much more important things than taking my sisters and I to Italy.
5. You’re so loud, you must be Italian.
I’m loud and talk with my hands and yes I just happen to be Italian as well.
I’m probably one of the loudest people you will ever cross paths with. I walk, breathe, and talk loud and it’s not going to change. The minute I speak anyone in a mile radius can hear me and any one in a 50 foot radius can see my hands moving. They say "you're yelling quiet down." And all I can think is how I was talking quietly...
6. Do you eat pasta for every meal?
Yes. Three meals a day, seven days a week I eat sauce and pasta. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Seriously? You think I eat pasta for every meal? Do you realize how many carbs I would be intaking on a day to day basis, or how unhealthy it would be for my diet to only consist of rigatoni and sauce? Shockingly enough Italians don’t only consume pasta. We like to expand our horizons into other food groups than solely carbohydrates.
7. Are you related to everyone?
Make as many jokes about my family spreading across almost every suburb in Rochester, but no I’m not related to everybody.
No joke I do have around 200 (probably more) first cousins, seconds cousins, even third cousins. But it is probably the most irritating thing when someone asks if I’m related to someone they know and I say yes. As soon as the word ‘yes’ leaves my mouth it’s like every person who asks this question is wired to have the exact same response. “Oh my god you’re related to everyone!”
Really? I didn’t realize I have an absurd amount of family members, please tell me again.
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