Four Forbidden Phrases

I have come to learn that there are four phrases you must never say to Nonni. The moment the words leave your mouth you’re cursing yourself for saying them and want nothing more than to rewind time and never say them. It’s like word vomit, the sentence pours out and there’s no going back… 

1. “I’m full.”

Oh, you’re full? Too bad.

Nonni doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “full” and probably never will. From the second you arrive at her house, to the moment you leave, you will be consuming some sort of food or drink, and by the end of the night you’ll swear that you’ll never eat another gnocchi in your life. 

How do you avoid over eating so you don’t have to endure the pain of a food baby? You can’t.

You have to sit there and put a smile on as your aunt continues to scoop heaping amounts of pasta onto your plate, even though you know there’s a second course coming. But to please Nonni, you sit there and allow yourself to grow three pant sizes and tell her how good it tastes because let’s face it, she’s a damn good cook.

2. “It’s too ____.”

Stop. Whether it’s too salty, too oily, too whatever, stop talking before these words become the bane of your existence. 

Nothing, I repeat nothing, is ever too seasoned in Nonni’s eyes. And don’t try to argue because she will shut you down faster than you can even come up with an explanation as to why you think that. She’ll proceed to say, “I putta just enough.” You’ll bite your tongue as she shows you the amount of oil she put on the green beans and your eyes widen when you realize that you alone are taking in at least a cup of oil during this Sunday meal. 

As Nonni continues to show you the amount of oil she uses to cook, you’ll begin to feel like you’re the size of a peanut when she uses the adorable old lady voice that reminds you she worked hard to prepare this meal. So you shut up and eat the oil coated food because even though you’re concerned about your health in the near future Nonni’s food is too good to pass up. 

3. “I don’t like that.” 

Leave. 

At this point go home. The amount of hurt in your Nonni’s voice when you say this makes you want to crawl under the table and cry. 

“You no like-a my food?”

“No I like your food, just not this particular dish…”

*Cue hitting yourself over the head*

You’re human you don’t like every type food that the world has to offer. It just takes Nonni a little longer to understand this. So when these words leave your mouth, and your Nonni turns her head to the side after you ask if you offended her, she’ll answer, “You no offend,” just take the food and act like you ate it to please her. 

4. “That’s my favorite!” 

Not for long...

I’m not sure what’s worse, telling Nonni you don’t like something or telling her that you do.

*Flashback to the first ten years of my life when Nonni brought my sisters and I packages of Hostess Cupcakes and Honey Buns every weekend.*

If you tell Nonni something is your favorite, it won’t be your favorite for much longer because Nonni will beat it to death. That food will somehow, someway find it’s way to your fridge or pantry so often that the sight of it will make you gag. 

You’ll get so sick of it that you’ll give it to your neighbors because they love it and their mom never buys it, and all of the sudden you’ve become the Hostess Cartel smuggling them across the boarder that lies between your house and your neighbor's. 

Four forbidden phrases, four sentences to never say, four groups of words that you never want to tell Nonni, but will never make her love you any less.